Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
