fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
