He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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