thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
