I looked at my own cervix.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.