I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
