I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
