I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
