I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
