My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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