I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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