didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
ok i will unlock the door
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.