shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.