and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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