Say something about gay babies.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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