I cannot find my penis.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
