shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.