Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
