how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
