I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
