A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
