Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
dude. I can hear the air.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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