so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
