I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
