I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
is wine microwaveable?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
