Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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