I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
