Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
