this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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