I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
