I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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