How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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