then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
