my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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