um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
