the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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