I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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