Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
