I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
