It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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