i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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