Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
