I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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