i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
