I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
