What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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