the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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