Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
