All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
