No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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