the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
