wanna go halves on a baby?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
