Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
