I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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