you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
