Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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