the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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