we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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