I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
