Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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