I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
