Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Someone came in the potted fern
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
