dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
