so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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