we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
