i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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