I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i need some magic done to my vagina
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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