I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
